Family Values for Children: Talking About Family Through Stories
When adults hear the phrase "family values," it can sound very solemn. As if the child needs to sit down at the table, listen to a list of correct rules and remember what a "good family" should be like.
In fact, everything is much more specific for a child. She sees family values not in beautiful formulations, but in how people treat each other every day. Do they listen to her when she is upset? Do they help those who are struggling? Is it possible to tell the truth at home, even if it is wrong. Do boundaries respect each other? Do they find time to be together? Do they know how to apologize and reconcile after a quarrel.
That is why it is best to talk about family values with a child not as a set of abstract concepts, but through familiar situations, common affairs and stories. Fairy tales are especially convenient here: in them, the heroes worry, argue, make mistakes, help, refuse, grieve, return home, protect loved ones, or learn to see the consequences of their own decisions.
The fairy tale does not provide ready-made instructions for every family. But it can open a conversation that is difficult to start with the words "today we will talk about values."
What are family values in simple words
Family values can be explained to the child as what is important for the family in the attitude of people to each other.
For example:
- we try to help when someone needs support;
- we do not put each other down, even when we are angry;
- we can talk about our feelings;
- we respect personal belongings and boundaries;
- we admit mistakes;
- we take care of the younger, older and those who are more difficult now;
- we find time for joint activities;
- we don't have to always think alike to stay close.
Accents will be different in different families. For one, it is important to gather at a common table every Sunday. For another, it is an evening conversation before going to bed. Someone travels a lot together, someone cooks a family meal based on an old recipe, someone calls their grandmother regularly, and someone has a small bedtime reading ritual.
Value doesn't have to look like a grand tradition. Sometimes it's a very simple repetitive action: listen without interrupting; bring water to someone who is sick; wait for the younger sister; thank; ask "can I help you?".
What family values does the child see in everyday life
care
For a child, care is understood through actions. Cover with a blanket. Help find a lost thing. Prepare breakfast. Wait for someone to tie the shoes. Ask how the day went.
It is important that caring does not mean doing everything for the child. It can also sound like this: "I see that it is difficult for you. Do you want me to help you get started?”
respect
Respect in the family does not mean that the younger must always silently agree with the elder. For a child, respect is noticeable where he is listened to, his feelings are not ridiculed, things are not taken without permission, and he is not insulted during an argument.
In the same way, the child gradually learns to respect others: to wait his turn, to hear "no", to take into account other people's needs, to speak about disagreement with words.
Mutual aid
Someone in the family is stronger today, but tomorrow it is he who may need support. It is useful for the child to see that help does not make a person weak and that asking for it is normal.
Small household chores can also be part of mutual assistance. Not as punishment, but as participation in common life: set the table, put away your belongings, feed your pet, help bring shopping.
Trust and honesty
Honesty is more easily appreciated where the truth does not result in an instant explosion. If the child is afraid of any mistake, it is more difficult for him to be frank.
Therefore, a conversation about honesty can begin not with "never lie", but with another question: "What helps a person to tell the truth when he is afraid of the consequences?" Such a question also works well after a fairy tale, where the hero hides something from loved ones or tries to correct a mistake.
Shared time and traditions
Time together is not measured by the number of complex family activities. Sometimes ten minutes are enough, when an adult does not look at the phone, and the child does not feel that he is being "dealt with" between other things.
In advice for parents, UNICEF advises to make reading a pleasant part of the daily routine and draws attention to the value of time spent with a book. This does not mean that every family needs the same ritual. The main thing is that the joint action is powerful and pleasant for you.
Why it is better to show values in actions, and not to explain them with lectures
A child very quickly notices the difference between words and behavior.
You can talk a lot about respect, but interrupt the child every time he tries to explain his point. You can demand honesty, but come up with an excuse instead of a simple "I was wrong." You can talk about mutual help, but get angry when someone asks for help at the wrong time.
Therefore, one short situation often teaches more than a long speech.
For example:
"I'm very angry right now, so I want to calm down for a minute, and then we'll talk" shows that strong emotions do not give the right to offend.
"You told the truth, even though you were afraid. Now let's think together how to fix the situation" shows that honesty makes sense.
"Grandma is tired, so today we will help her with the shopping" makes care concrete.
Values become clear when a child sees how they work in real life.
How family stories help start a conversation
Talking about one's own family is sometimes difficult. Especially if the topic is related to quarrels, jealousy between siblings, resentment, feelings of injustice or fear of losing the attention of an adult.
A fairy tale creates a small distance. The event did not happen to the child, but to the character. Therefore, we can talk about him first.
"Why is he so offended?"
"Who in this story noticed that the other person needed help?"
"How could you say that without offense?"
"Was it easy for the heroine to ask for support?"
The child may not tolerate the answer to himself, and this is normal. The task of a fairy tale is not to imperceptibly extract a confession from it. History simply provides safe material to talk about relationships.
It is good if an adult is also ready to doubt. Many fairy tales do not have a hero who behaves perfectly from the first page to the last. Characters can be good and at the same time wrong, love loved ones and be angry with them, want to help and do it awkwardly. Such contradictions often make the conversation more interesting.
What questions to ask a child after a family fairy tale
You don't need to ask all the questions at once. Choose one or two that really fit the story.
1. Who cared about whom in this fairy tale and how was it visible?
2. Who had the hardest time asking for help?
3. Did all loved ones want the same thing?
4. Which act of the hero showed respect, and which, on the contrary, violated it?
5. What could help the heroes reconcile faster?
6. Who in history heard the other, and who did not want to listen?
7. What family tradition or rule would you come up with for these characters?
8. How is their family similar to ours, and what is not at all similar?
The last question is particularly interesting, because in fairy tales families are very different: large and small, human and animal, royal and peasant, realistic and magical.
If the child does not respond at all in the way you expected, do not rush to correct. It is better to ask: "And what in history prompted you to think that way?"
For a broader conversation about plot, characters, and the message of a story, see Bembi’s article “How to Talk About a Fairy Tale with Your Child After Reading.” Here, the focus is on family relationships.
If the family in the fairy tale is not like the child's family
This is not a problem that should be hidden.
In real life, a child may live with mom and dad, with one parent, with a grandparent, with guardians, in a foster family, or in another family system close to her. Someone has brothers and sisters, someone is an only child. Some see their relatives every day, while others communicate with them mainly by phone because of the distance.
If the family is different in the fairy tale, it is an opportunity to say a simple thing: families can look different.
There is no need to define one model as "correct" and another as a deviation. For a conversation about values, it is more important how the characters treat each other: is there care, respect, trust, responsibility, support between them.
If some detail of the plot touches on a painful topic specifically for your child, it is not necessary to continue the conversation just because "we need to discuss a fairy tale." You can stop, go to another story or return to the topic later, when the child is ready.
How to talk about conflicts between loved ones in fairy tales
Fairy tales do not always show cozy families where everyone speaks quietly and never argues. They have envy, greed, injustice, rivalry, resentment and bad decisions.
That doesn't make such stories automatically "bad for a family theme." On the contrary, conflict can help communicate that closeness does not mean the absence of disagreement.
It is more useful to ask not "who is bad here?", but:
- what exactly caused the quarrel;
- did the characters hear each other;
- what each of them could have done differently;
- what words could reduce the conflict;
- has anyone changed after the consequences of their decision.
In this way, the child sees that family values are manifested not only when everything is good. They are especially noticeable in how people behave after a mistake, insult or argument.
Family traditions around reading
A tradition doesn't have to be ancient to be meaningful. The family can create it today.
For example:
- one short story every Friday night;
- rotation: today the child chooses the story, next time the adult chooses;
- "a tale from another country" once a week;
- reading with grandmother via video link;
- five minutes of conversation after the story, only if everyone wants to;
- a family list of favorite fairy tales to refer back to.
UNICEF advises to include reading in everyday life and to make time spent with a book pleasant, not forced. This is a good guideline: the tradition should bring people together, and not turn into another control point.
If everyone is tired in one evening, the tradition can be shortened. If a child asks for the same fairy tale for the third time, it is not necessary to look for a "more useful one". Predictability can also be part of home comfort.
Which Bembi tales can continue the theme of family
Bembi's catalog already has stories that naturally lead to conversations about loved ones and family relationships.
"Grandfather and grandson" can be used to talk about attitudes towards elders, compassion and respect.
"The Sun, the Moon and the Wind Go to Dinner" is related to the themes of family, care and generosity.
"The Fisherman and His Wife" provides material for conversation about desire, gratitude, measure, and how one person's decisions affect loved ones.
The Bamboo Chopper and the Moon Child can be read as a story in which the theme of family is an important part of the plot, and then ask the child what she thinks makes people close.
The main thing: family values live in daily actions
A child does not need to know the definition of "family values" by heart in order to understand them.
She learns them when she sees an adult listening. When you can tell the truth and look for a way to correct the mistake together. When she helps and receives help herself. When people return to talking after an argument. When time together is not a reward for good behavior, but simply remains a part of family life.
Fairy tales can make such things more visible. Not because every story has a ready-made moral, but because it already has characters, choices, consequences, and relationships.
Read the story. Listen to what the child noticed himself. Ask one live question. And then return to ordinary life, where care, respect, trust and mutual assistance acquire real meaning.