How to Help Your Child Learn to Share Without Pressure

On the playground, two children want the same car at the same time. One pulls her to him, the other squeezes her in his hands and shouts: "Mine!" An adult is embarrassed. Other parents are nearby, the conflict can already be heard halfway across the playground, and the quickest solution seems to lie on the surface: "Well, share, don't be greedy."

But if you simply take the toy from your child and give it to another, it is unlikely that he will learn generosity. He will remember something else faster: my thing can be disposed of without me, and the word "shared" means that I must immediately give away what I love.

Therefore, the answer to the question how to teach a child to share does not begin with coercion. The child needs to gradually master several separate skills at once: to understand the difference between his own and someone else's, to wait, to ask, to borrow and return, to negotiate, to exchange, to endure disappointment, and sometimes to voluntarily give away part of what he has.

It is much broader and more interesting than one command "give to another".

Sharing is a skill, not a "good kid" test

When a child does not want to give a car, a doll or a piece of cookie, it is easy for an adult to draw a conclusion about the character: "greedy", "selfish", "does not know how to make friends".

Such shortcuts do not help to learn new behavior. The child does not hear a hint, what exactly to do, but an assessment of himself as a whole.

It is much more accurate to describe the situation:

- "You're still playing with this machine and you're not ready to give it up."

- "You both want one shoulder blade."

- "It's hard for you to wait for Sofia to finish."

- "You're worried that your constructor might be hacked."

- "You want to finish the game first, and then pass the toy."

Thus, an adult does not approve of grabbing or fighting, but helps the child to understand what is happening.

The American Academy of Pediatrics describes the ability to share and take turns as part of a preschooler's social development. It appears gradually: children increasingly agree, take turns or exchange, but especially at first they still need the support of an adult.

That is, reluctance to immediately give the toy should not be turned into a moral diagnosis. This is a situation in which you can practice a specific skill.

Why does the child not want to share toys

The same answer "I won't give" can mean completely different things. Before convincing, it is worth understanding the reason.

She is still playing

Sometimes everything is very simple: a child has just started building a garage, put a doll in a car or came up with a complex story, and a minute later he is already being asked to "give a turn".

For an adult, a few minutes with a typewriter may seem sufficient. The game is not over for the child.

The organization ZERO TO THREE advises in some of these situations to allow a long turn: the child plays as long as he needs, and the friend receives a clear promise that the turn will come after the end. Meanwhile, the adult helps the person waiting to find something else to do.

This is not a one-size-fits-all rule, but it does illustrate an important principle: taking turns doesn't always mean changing every thirty seconds.

He is afraid that the thing will not be returned or will be broken

A favorite toy for a child can have a completely different value than for an adult. She knows where there is a scratch on the typewriter, how exactly the bear is sitting, which pebble is in the box and why it cannot be lost.

If the child is worried that the other person will take the object, break it or not return it, a forced "let me play" is unlikely to create a sense of security.

It is more useful to speak:

"This is your car. If you let Mark play, she'll come back to you later."

Or:

"You don't want to give this doll to anyone. Good. We can take other toys for joint play."

It's hard for her to wait

Even when a child understands the rule "now it's his turn, then yours", waiting can be very difficult.

Therefore, learning to share often begins not with generosity, but with holding a pause.

Simple things help:

- name who is playing now;

- to show that the child's turn is not forgotten;

- offer another toy for the waiting time;

- in some situations, use a timer as an external rule if it is really easier for the children.

ZERO TO THREE directly advises a timer or clock in situations where waiting an indefinite time is difficult. But the timer doesn't have to turn every game into an airport control room. Sometimes it is more natural to let the child complete the story and only then pass the thing on.

Does not understand the difference between "let play" and "give forever"

For a small child, the phrase "share the machine" may sound literal: now the machine will become someone else's.

Therefore, it is useful to be more precise:

- "You can let the machine play for a few minutes and then it will come back to you."

- "You can treat me with half an apple. You will keep the other half for yourself."

- "These are common pencils, everyone uses them."

- "This book is yours, no one takes it without permission."

When ownership rules are clear, sharing often becomes easier.

The thing is special for her

Not all things have to be shared.

A favorite soft toy, a gift, a personal notebook, a collection of pebbles or a complex structure that a child has been building all morning can remain personal.

Guests can choose together:

- that today will be for a joint game;

- that the child is ready to borrow;

- that she wants to put in her room and not give to anyone.

It teaches not only generosity, but also respect for boundaries.

What "learning to share" really means

Sharing is not a single action. In everyday life, this is a whole small system of social skills.

Borrow. Give your thing for a while and get it back.

Treat. To give a portion of food or something that can be distributed.

Take turns. When several children need the same item, everyone gets their time.

Exchange. Temporarily or by agreement to exchange things.

Use commons. Understand that some items belong to the whole family, group or class.

Ask permission. Don't take someone else's just because you really want to.

Refuse without offense. "I don't want to give this doll now, but I can give another."

Accept someone else's "no". This is also part of learning. If we want a child to respect his own things, he must gradually learn to respect other people's as well.

Therefore, the goal is not for the child to always give everything to everyone. The goal is for her to better understand the rules of reciprocity and be able to resolve conflicts with words, not force.

Eight ways to teach sharing without forcing it

Lead by example in everyday life

The child sees how adults deal with things and resources every day.

"I poured myself some tea. do you want too Let me share."

"We have one pair of scissors. I will finish cutting and give it to you.'

"This is dad's book. First, we will ask if we can take her."

"I borrowed a baking form from a neighbor. She will return it in the evening."

This is how the child hears different models: treat, borrow, wait, ask, return.

Name what is personal and what is shared

Conflicts often arise in the family not because of "greed", but because of unclear rules.

It is useful to have simple categories:

- mine is a personal thing;

- others — we take only with permission;

- shared — we use by agreement;

- for guests / shared play - things that are pre-selected for everyone.

This is especially helpful for siblings, when one automatically considers each other's belongings shared, while the other protects each pencil as a family heirloom.

Allow yourself to have things you can't share

Paradoxically, the right to say "I don't give this thing" can make voluntary generosity safer.

If the child knows that an adult will not force him to give up his favorite toy under the pressure of other people's eyes, it is easier for him to experiment with other forms of joint play.

Before meeting with friends, you can say:

"Please choose two or three toys that will be only yours today. We will leave the rest for a joint game."

This is much more understandable than arguing at the moment of the conflict.

Use a long line

When a child is actively playing, it is not necessary to interrupt it just because someone also wanted the same thing.

You can say:

"Now Sofiyka is playing with a train. When she finishes, it will be your turn."

And the child with the train:

"When you finish playing, please say that the train is free."

So the first child does not lose control over the game, and the second gets a clear perspective.

Help wait with a timer when appropriate

In some situations, it is easier for children when the rule is visible.

For example, on a swing, in a game with one scooter or a shared tablet, it can be convenient to agree: five minutes one, then five minutes the other.

The timer does not work as a punishment, but as a neutral helper: it was not mom who "took it away", it was just time for the next turn.

But you don't need to turn on the stopwatch for each pencil. If the children get along without him, great.

Give the child ready phrases

In a conflict, the child often knows what he wants, but does not know how to say it.

You can practice a few short phrases:

- "I'm still playing. I'll give it when I'm done."

- "Can after you?"

- "Don't take it, please. Ask first."

- "Let's switch: you're a ball to me, I'm a car to you."

- "I'm not giving this toy, but you can take another one."

- "Please come back when you're done."

- "Now it's my turn."

- "Let's play together."

These are simple tools that gradually replace grabbing, shouting and pushing.

Teach sharing and negotiation

Sometimes it is easier for children not to "give away", but to find a mutually beneficial option.

“You want the blue excavator and Marco wants your crane. Do you want to change for a moment?"

“You have one set of dice. You can build one big house together or divide the cubes into two parts. What will you choose?"

"We have six strawberries and three people. How can it be distributed?"

In this way, the child trains not only generosity, but also negotiations, justice and simple problem solving.

Notice a specific act of generosity

Instead of the global "you are so good to me" it is more useful to call the action:

"You saw that your brother didn't have a felt-tip pen, and you offered yours."

"You yourself said that it would be Ola's turn after you."

"You treated grandma with a piece of apple, even though I didn't ask."

"You didn't give away your favorite machine, but you offered another one for a joint game. You have found a solution."

So the child understands which behavior worked.

What to say during an argument over a toy

When two children are already pulling the object in different directions, a long lecture about generosity is unlikely to reach the addressees.

First, you should stop dangerous actions and briefly describe the situation.

If both want the same thing:

“You both want a red tractor. Now it is at Maxim's. When Maksym finishes, it will be your turn."

If someone snatched the toy:

"I will not allow it to be taken from my hands. Return, please. You can ask: "Will you leave after yourself?"

If the child does not want to give his personal item:

"This is your toy. You can not give it. Let's think about what you can play together."

If it's a common thing:

“This set is shared, so both need access. Let's decide: do we build together or divide the details?"

If the child voluntarily shared:

"You yourself offered her a second car. Now you both can continue playing.''

ZERO TO THREE calls simple neutral "commenting" of the conflict a useful technique: who took the thing, who wanted it back, what both sides are feeling now. This slows things down and gives kids a chance to move from fighting to problem solving.

Sharing does not mean giving everything

This is an important piece that is easy to lose behind the beautiful word "generosity".

A child does not need to learn to be convenient for everyone.

She can:

- do not give your special thing;

- do not share food if you do not want to or if it is inappropriate for hygienic reasons;

- do not borrow an object that you are afraid of losing;

- ask to return your item;

- say "no" to the exchange;

- choose another toy for joint play.

At the same time, she gradually learns that other people's "no" must also be respected.

If the neighbor's child does not give the scooter, this is not a reason to take it away by force. If your brother does not want to borrow a new set, you can be upset, but you still need to ask permission.

This is where an important balance is born: my things have limits, other people's things also have limits, and generosity is valuable only when it is voluntary.

Games that train taking turns and generosity

Learning is easier not during a conflict, but in a calm game.

"Your turn is my turn"

Throw the ball to each other or run the car on the track. Each time say: "your turn", "my turn".

This is a simple model of waiting without arguing for something of value.

"Shop"

One sells, the other buys. You have to ask for the item, hand it over, say thank you, sometimes wait for the "seller" to serve someone else.

"Tea for everyone"

Place make-believe cups, cookies, or toy fruit between the dolls and family members.

"We have four cookies and two bears. How can you share?"

Generosity and simple mathematics appear here, but without the test work on the kitchen table.

"Exchange per minute"

Everyone chooses one not too valuable toy and offers to exchange it for a short time. At the end, things must be returned to their owners.

This is especially useful for understanding: borrowed does not mean lost.

"Together we build"

Give material that naturally becomes common: cubes, a railway, a large puzzle, a road for cars.

Children see that sometimes it is more profitable not to divide a resource in half, but to combine it for a common goal.

How fairy tales help to talk about generosity and greed

The words "you're greedy" almost always put a child on the defensive. A fairy tale allows you to consider the same topic from the side.

The hero can:

- to want to take everything for yourself;

- to lose something due to excessive greed;

- share a resource that everyone needs;

- take someone else's property without permission;

- help another and unexpectedly receive support in return;

- not wanting to give away an important thing for yourself and find another way to negotiate.

After such a story, it is not necessary to ask: "Well, do you understand what needs to be shared?"

It is much more interesting to explore the plot.

Questions after the story

You don't need to ask all the questions. Choose one or two that fit the story.

1. What did the hero want to keep only for himself? Why?

2. Did this thing belong to him or was it shared?

3. Did someone ask permission or just take it?

4. What happened because the hero wanted more?

5. Where in history has anyone shared voluntarily?

6. Was there another way to negotiate?

7. What could be exchanged or distributed?

8. Is it always right to share? When did the hero have the right to keep the thing for himself?

9. How would you resolve the dispute between these characters?

10. What phrase could they say to each other instead of fighting?

Thus, the fairy tale turns not into a notation, but into a small simulator of decisions.

How to teach sharing at different ages

Age limits here are approximate. Children develop differently, and the ability to negotiate depends not only on age, but also on temperament, experience of playing with other children, fatigue, speech and the situation itself.

2–4 years

Very specific rules are especially useful at this age.

Instead of "must be generous":

- "This is your car";

- "These are kindergarten cubes, everyone plays with them";

- "First Olya, then you";

- "We don't take it out of hand";

- "If you want, say: "leave after yourself"";

- "You can leave this favorite toy at home."

For a small child, parallel play, when children are nearby, but everyone is busy with their own, is quite natural. Not every meeting needs to be turned into a mandatory toy exchange marathon.

5-7 years old

The child can already better discuss the rules and see several options.

You can ask:

"How do you decide who's first?"

"What will be fair?"

"Can we play together?"

"How to understand that it is time to return the borrowed thing?"

Simple board games, cooperative constructions, cooking, and situations where a limited amount of materials need to be distributed work well.

8-10 years old

The topic becomes more complicated. We can talk not only about "giving a toy", but about the difference between generosity, justice and pressure.

For example:

- do you always have to share everything equally;

- what to do if one person constantly takes, but does not return;

- how to borrow things so that the agreement is clear;

- can you refuse a friend;

- when help is really needed, and when a person is simply taking advantage of someone else's compliance;

- how to distribute shared resources in the team.

At this age, fairy tales and stories can offer a situation to debate and discuss, rather than one obvious lesson.

What is better not to do

Do not call the child greedy

"You're greedy" describes a personality, not a behavior. Better: "You don't want to give this toy now."

Don't rip off her thing to show generosity

If an adult takes an object himself without permission, the child receives a contradictory lesson: you can't take someone else's, but you can take something stronger.

Do not demand to give your favorite thing under the gaze of other people

Before the guests, it is better to determine in advance what will be shared and what can be removed.

Do not compare with other children

"Look, Mariyka shares, and you don't" adds shame, but does not suggest a solution.

Don't buy generosity

If each "share" automatically brings a candy or gift, the child can start bargaining for a reward. It is much more useful to notice the effect of the act itself: "You agreed, and now you both play."

Do not demand a formal apology before the child understands the situation

If the child has torn out the toy, it is more important to first return it, name the limit and show another phrase. "Sorry" makes more sense when the child understands what he is apologizing for.

Frequently asked questions by parents

Should a child share every toy?

No. It is useful to distinguish between personal and shared things. A child may have several items that he does not want to borrow. At the same time, the rules for shared toys should be clear to everyone.

What to do if a child takes toys from others?

Calmly stop the action, return the item to the owner and give a short alternative: "We do not take it from your hands. Ask: "Can I follow you?"" If waiting is difficult, help find another activity or establish an understandable queue.

When should a child learn to share?

There is no one birthday after which the child suddenly has to share perfectly. In preschool age, cooperation, taking turns, exchange and the ability to negotiate develop gradually. Even when a child already knows how to share, this skill can temporarily "disappear" in fatigue, strong enthusiasm for the game or conflict.

Should the toy be taken away if the child does not want to share?

As punishment for the very unwillingness to share is not the most useful strategy. If the toy is personal, the child may have the right not to borrow it. If it is a shared subject, an adult can help establish a queue rule. And if the children are already fighting because of a thing and cannot stop, it is sometimes worth temporarily removing it precisely for safety and comfort, and not as a "penalty for greed".

How to teach a child generosity, but not to develop the habit of giving everything?

Show different forms of generosity: treat, help, lend, share time or attention. At the same time, respect the child's right to own things and teach that voluntary help does not require constantly giving up one's needs.

What if siblings are constantly fighting over things?

Clearly define three groups: each child's personal items, common family items, and items that are used in turn. The fewer rules you have to invent at the moment of an argument, the easier it is for children to come to an agreement.

Generosity does not begin with the command to "share"

Teaching a child to share does not mean getting him to give anything at the first request.

The real social skill looks more complicated and interesting: the child knows that his things are respected, so he gradually learns to respect other people's things; can ask, wait, exchange, return what was borrowed, offer a part, let someone play and just as calmly say "I don't want to give this thing".

And generosity then ceases to be a performance for adults.

It becomes its own decision: "I have something to share and I want to do it".