Helping Your Child Make Friends: Stories, Conversations, and Small Steps

For adults, friendship often seems like something natural: met, liked, started talking. Everything is more difficult for a child. You have to approach the other person, offer a game, wait your turn, hear "no", come to an agreement, not to take someone else's thing, say that you are offended, and after the argument also decide whether you want to reconcile.

Therefore, the question "how to teach a child to make friends" does not have one magical answer. Friendship consists of dozens of small skills that gradually appear in everyday life.

Fairy tales can be a very convenient little town here. Not because one story will automatically make a child sociable. It's just that with heroes it's easier to look at the situation from the side. You can see who helped, who didn't hear the other, where the fight started, why someone was upset and what could change the ending.

And most importantly, it is often easier to talk about a bunny, a fox or a little traveler than about yesterday's quarrel on the playground.

Friendship is more than just a skill

When parents say "you need to be able to make friends", it may not be clear to the child what exactly is expected of him.

For everyday life, it is much more useful to break down this big word into small actions:

- say hello and offer a joint game;

- ask before taking someone else's thing;

- agree on who will be first;

- wait in line;

- notice that the other is sad or unpleasant;

- ask for help;

- offer help;

- to say "I don't like it";

- accept someone else's "no";

- apologize for a specific act;

- try to correct the situation;

- understand that friends sometimes want different things.

Such specific situations are worth looking for in fairy tales. The abstract "be a good friend" is difficult for a child to apply. But "the bear didn't ask and took the bunny's boat - what could he say instead?" you can already imagine.

Why fairy tales are convenient to use to talk about friendship

History creates a small safe distance. In the center of the conversation is not the child himself and not his mistake, but the character.

This provides several simple possibilities.

First, you can talk about feelings without questioning. Not "why did you insult Mark yesterday?", but "how do you think the hero felt when he was not included in the game?"

Secondly, the sequence of events is visible in the fairy tale. Someone said something, someone else was offended, then the characters made a choice and got the consequence. This makes it easier to see the cause-and-effect relationship.

Thirdly, the fairy tale can be changed. The child can come up with another line, another action or a new ending. This turns the conversation not into moralizing, but into a small laboratory of solutions.

When reading together, it is useful to ask open-ended questions and relate the events of the story to real life, but without pressure. If the child does not want to discuss the plot, it is not necessary to squeeze out the "correct lesson" from the fairy tale.

How to choose a fairy tale about friendship

Not every story where two heroes stand side by side is really about friendship.

A fairy tale in which there is at least one understandable situation is better suited for conversation:

- heroes get to know each other;

- someone needs help;

- friends have different desires;

- a dispute arises;

- one character cannot hear another;

- the hero makes a mistake and tries to correct it;

- characters act together;

- someone supports another;

- you need to decide who you can trust;

- the hero defends his own boundaries.

For younger children, simpler plots work better, where one main episode is easy to see. Older people can be offered stories where the actions of the heroes are ambiguous and there is no single obvious answer.

And one more guideline: the child should be interested in the fairy tale itself. Even a very "useful" story will not help much if the listener dreams of running away and building a fortress out of pillows in the second minute.

Five steps after the fairy tale

1. Start with the story, not the lesson

Instead of "what does this fairy tale teach us?" try simpler:

- "Who did you like best?"

- "Where did the heroes become a real team?"

- "At what point did the fight start?"

- "Who did you feel sorry for?"

So the child first talks about the story, and not looking for the right answer for an adult.

2. Name a specific act

The word "friendship" is very big. The action is much clearer.

You can ask:

- "What exactly did the hero do for a friend?"

- "Where did he not listen to the other?"

- "What helped them to agree?"

- "What could the hero have done differently?"

This is how the conversation goes from the abstract "we should be friends" to behavior that can be noticed and repeated.

3. Find words that you can use in life

Children often know what they want, but do not always have a ready phrase.

If the hero in the fairy tale cannot join the game, you can come up with a line together. If the characters are arguing about one thing, practice how to take turns. If someone is offended, find words for reconciliation.

It is not necessary to demand that the child repeat everything verbatim. The goal is to show several options from which she can choose her own.

4. Act out a short scene

Sometimes talking is harder than playing.

Take two toys and act out the scene for a minute:

"The bunny is building a bridge. The bear wants to play too. What can he say?'

Then switch roles. Let the child be the one who wants to join in, and the adult the one who is already playing.

In such a game, you can safely practice introduction, refusal, request, turn or reconciliation.

5. Let the child come up with his own solution

The most interesting question often sounds like this:

"And what would you do?"

The answer may not be what an adult expects. This is normal. You can test the idea together:

"And what will the friend feel then?"

"What if he doesn't agree?"

"What other option is there?"

Thus, the child does not just listen to a ready-made rule, but learns to consider several possible solutions.

What phrases can be practiced together with the child

Friendship becomes a little easier when there are ready words in a difficult moment.

Here are the phrases that you can unobtrusively practice after a fairy tale or in a game:

To join:

- "Can I come with you?"

- "What are you playing?"

- "Do you want me to help too?"

To arrange:

- "Let's take turns."

- "First your option, then mine?"

- "We can come up with a rule."

To set a boundary:

- "I don't like it that way."

- "Please don't take without asking."

- "I don't want to now."

To ask for help:

- "Will you help me?"

- "I don't know what to do."

- "Can you show me?"

To reconcile:

- "I'm sorry I did that."

- "I see you were upset."

- "How can I fix this?"

- "Do you want to start over?"

This is not a script that a child should learn. This is a dictionary of possibilities.

Friendship does not mean agreeing to everything

When we want to teach a child to be kind and friendly, it's easy to inadvertently pass on another rule: "a good friend always gives in."

But a healthy relationship requires more than just help and generosity. They have limits.

The child can:

- not to give the thing if he does not want it now;

- abandon the game;

- disagree with a friend;

- to say that she is uncomfortable;

- to leave a situation where she is teased or forced to do something she does not want;

- have more than one friend;

- sometimes want to play alone.

This is also an important topic for fairy tales. If the hero constantly gives in, it is worth asking: "Did he want this himself?" If one character demands proof of friendship, you can discuss: "Does a friend have the right to say no?"

Friendship is not obedience. This is a relationship in which there is room for caring for the other and for self-respect.

What to do after an argument with a friend

A quarrel does not mean that the friendship is over. And not every quarrel needs to be immediately "closed" with the forced word "sorry".

It is more useful to go through several steps.

1. Calm down first.

When both children are still angry, a long conversation rarely helps.

2. Name what happened.

Not "you behaved badly", but specifically: "you both wanted the same car and started pulling it."

3. Give place to two versions.

For friends, the same situation can look different.

4. Think about the next step.

Return the item? Rebuild the game? Ask if the friend is ready to continue? Suggest another option?

5. Do not force friendship at any cost.

Sometimes a child needs time. Sometimes relationships really don't work out. The adult's task is not to create a "perfect friendship", but to help the child behave with respect and see his options.

A fairy tale can help to return to the topic later, when emotions have already subsided. It is not necessary to say "it's just like yours". It is enough to discuss the hero, and the child will sometimes notice the connection with his own experience.

How to talk about friendship at different ages

It is better to take age here as a guide, and not as a hard rule. Children develop differently, and the same fairy tale can touch on different topics.

Guideline for 2-4 years

Short situations and simple words.

Instead of a long discussion, one episode is enough:

- "Who helped the bunny?"

- "The bear took the cube. What can be said?"

- "Is she sad or cheerful?"

- "How to invite someone to play?"

Playing with toys and repeating short phrases works well.

Guideline for 5-7 years

We can talk more about motives and consequences:

- why did the hero do that;

- could he have agreed otherwise;

- how to understand that a friend is offended;

- how to reconcile after a quarrel;

- what to do if two friends want different things.

At this age, it is interesting to invent an alternative ending or change roles in a scene.

Guideline for 8-10 years

The conversation may become more difficult:

- should a friend always support;

- what is trust;

- where is the help and where is the pressure;

- whether it is okay to disagree with the group;

- what to do if a friend told someone else's secret;

- how to behave when someone is outside the group.

Stories where the heroes are not divided into absolutely "good" and "bad" are particularly useful here.

If it is difficult for the child to get acquainted

Not every child wants to immediately run to a big company. For some it is easier to start with one familiar child, a quiet game or a short meeting.

It is possible to help without the phrase "well, come, get acquainted".

Try to clarify first what exactly is difficult:

- to approach first;

- think of what to say;

- enter an already started game;

- survive rejection;

- maintain a conversation;

- play by common rules;

- bear the loss;

- talk about resentment.

When the problem becomes concrete, it is easier to find a small step.

For example, instead of the big task "make friends", you can practice one line: "Can I be with you?" Or create an opportunity to play quietly with one child with whom there is already at least a little contact.

Adults also show a lot by their own behavior. When a child sees a parent listening, thanking, respecting refusal, admitting a mistake, and apologizing, it provides a living example of social rules that are difficult to explain in a lecture.

If a child is very worried about a relationship for a long time, avoids any contact, regularly becomes a target of bullying, or the difficulties noticeably affect his daily life, it is worth discussing the situation with a teacher or educator, and if necessary, with a pediatrician or a child psychologist. Here it is important to analyze the specific situation, and not to look for universal advice in one article.

12 questions after a fairy tale about friendship

It is not necessary to bet all twelve. Choose one or two that naturally fit the plot.

1. Who acted like a friend in this story?

2. What exactly did he do?

3. When did one of the heroes feel sorry for himself?

4. How could anyone else notice it?

5. Where did the characters get along well?

6. Where did they not hear each other?

7. What could have been said instead of a quarrel?

8. Did the hero have the right to refuse?

9. Who asked for help and who offered it?

10. How could the error be corrected?

11. Which of the heroes would you like to have as a friend? Why?

12. What other ending would you think of for their friendship?

The best question is not the one that leads to the "right moral," but the one that gets the child really thinking and talking.

How not to turn a fairy tale into a lesson in behavior

There is a temptation to use every story as a pedagogical tool: "you see, you have to share", "you see, you can't fight", "you see, good friends do that".

If this is repeated after each story, reading can quickly turn into a hidden lesson.

It is better to leave room for the story itself.

Sometimes you can talk after a fairy tale. Sometimes — to draw a hero. Sometimes - play a scene. Sometimes a child just wants one more story.

A child learns to build friendship not during one correct dialogue, but in many real contacts. A fairy tale can provide words and images for these situations, but should not replace live play, acquaintances, arguments and reconciliation.

Frequently asked questions by parents

Is it possible to teach a child to make friends with the help of fairy tales?

Fairy tales can help discuss specific social situations, name feelings, come up with lines, and consider the consequences of actions. But friendship itself is formed in living relationships with other children. Therefore, a story is a tool for talking and training ideas, not a substitute for real communication.

What to do if the child is shy to be the first to approach other children?

Do not start with a big demand "go meet." Instead, figure out exactly what moment is frightening or confusing, and practice one small step: say hello, ask about the game, or offer help. Some children find it easier to communicate one-on-one at first rather than in a large group.

Should you force your child to share with friends?

Friendship does not mean that the child is obliged to give any of his things at the first request. It is much more useful to learn to ask, to negotiate, to wait your turn and to respect the other's answer.

How to teach a child to reconcile after a quarrel?

First, let the emotions subside. Then help name the specific situation, hear the other side, and think about what can be fixed. Apologizing is important not as a formal command, but as part of rebuilding a relationship: acknowledging what you did and suggesting a next step.

What fairy tales are better to choose for a conversation about friendship?

The most comfortable stories are where the characters get to know each other, help each other, argue, come to an agreement, reconcile or learn to respect boundaries. For younger children, a simple plot with one clear conflict is better; older people can be offered more complex stories with ambiguous solutions.

Finally

Teaching a child to be friends does not mean giving him a list of rules for a "good friend".

It is much more useful to gradually collect a small set of skills: how to approach, how to ask, how to say "no", how to hear another, how to agree, how to admit a mistake and how to start a conversation after an argument.

Fairy tales can make these situations visible. Heroes make mistakes for us, try different solutions, quarrel, help and find each other again. And the child gets an opportunity to think more safely: "What would I do in his place?"

Sometimes it is with such a simple question that the most useful conversation about friendship begins.