Helping Your Child Understand Their Emotions

Children can feel angry, sad, happy, worried, or hurt long before they learn to explain those feelings precisely. An adult may hear only “I don’t know” or “Everything’s bad,” or see tears that hide disappointment, shame, fear, or exhaustion.

Understanding emotions does not come in one conversation. It is a skill that grows gradually: the child learns to notice sensations in the body, find words for them, distinguish similar states and talk about them without fear of being laughed at or punished.

Parents don't need to be taught that. The most helpful are ordinary everyday conversations, the adult's own example, games and stories in which emotions are visible through the actions of heroes.

Why a child finds it hard to say what it feels

For an adult, words like "disappointment", "jealousy", "anxiety" or "relief" may seem obvious. For a child, it's a vocabulary that's still forming.

The baby first feels the state with the body: clenches his fists, strains his shoulders, cries, hides, speaks louder or, conversely, becomes silent. Only with experience these feelings are joined by the names: "I get angry", "I'm scared", "I'm sorry", "I'm worried".

Therefore, the goal of an adult is not to demand from a child accurate psychological analysis. It's much more helpful to give her a simple language for what's already happening inside.

How to start a conversation about emotions

Start not with dozens of complex names, but with a few basic states that the child easily notices in life and fairy tales: joy, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, calm.

Once these words become familiar, the vocabulary can be gradually expanded: insult, anxiety, shame, pride, disappointment, curiosity, gratitude, jealousy, relief.

Name the emoticon but do not stick a label

There is a big difference between saying "you're angry" and "it looks like you're going to get angry now".

The first may sound like a child's character description. The second describes a temporary state that can be experienced and discussed.

Instead of:

"You're a plague".

Try:

"You're very sad now".

Instead of:

"You're talking again".

Try:

"You seem disappointed because the game is over."

Instead of:

"Nothing to fear".

Try:

"You're scared. Do you want to tell me what was scary?"

An adult is not obliged to guess the emotion the first time. You can add, "I may be wrong. Maybe it's not anger, but insult?" This way the child sees that feelings can be explored, not tested for the right answer.

Help us detect body signals

Children often find it easier to start with feelings than with words.

Ask:

"What are your hands doing now?"

"Is your stomach calm or is it tight?"

"Does the heart beat as usual or faster?"

"Do you want to talk, hide, run or be alone?"

Thus, the child gradually notices the connection between the bodily signal and the emotion. It's important not to turn this into an interrogation. One quick question is enough.

Emotion is not the same as behavior

One of the most useful thoughts for a child sounds very simple: you can feel any emotion, but not every action is equally safe.

You can get mad. You can't hit another.

You can be sad. You don't have to be ashamed of tears.

You can be jealous. You can't spoil someone else's things.

You can be afraid. You don't have to pretend you're not afraid.

When an adult acknowledges feelings but calmly holds the line of behavior, it is easier for the child to understand: "I'm fine, but I can learn to act differently."

For example:

"You were very upset because your brother took your toy. You can get mad. You can't throw a toy at him. Let's figure out how to say you want her back."

This is much more clear than just "stop immediately".

How fairy tales help talk about feelings

A fairy tale gives a child a safe distance. Talking about a fox, a crane, a traveler or a fairy tale hero is sometimes easier than talking about yourself.

When the character is wrong, afraid, angry, sad or happy, the child can observe the emotion from the side. And the adult gets a natural reason to talk without the phrase "we need to seriously discuss your behavior".

It is not necessary to look for a special "teaching" tale. Any story where the character wants something, loses something, encounters an obstacle, quarrels, reconciles, takes risks, wonders or gets help will work.

Five questions after the story

After reading or listening, choose one or two questions, not all at once:

1. How do you think the character felt in that scene?

2. How did you know that, by words, by deeds, or by what happened?

3. Did his feelings change through history?

4. What could help a hero when he was scared, sad or sorry?

5. Have you ever felt something like that?

The last question is better not to insist on asking if the child does not want to translate the conversation to himself. She can train her emotional vocabulary just by discussing characters.

When not to convert reading to a lesson

If after each story, a child is asked ten questions about morality, reason and feelings, reading together will quickly become like a homework.

Sometimes a story is worth just listening to, laughing, hugging and going to sleep.

Talking about emotions works best when it's alive. One honest question after an interesting scene often gives more than a long "work analysis".

Simple games to develop emotional vocabulary

"Emotional Detective"

During a cartoon, walk or reading, ask, "How do you think this person or character feels right now? What did you think?" The child learns to look at the expression, voice, pose and situation.

"Three words about today"

In the evening, each family member names three states that they have felt during the day. For example: "curiosity, tiredness, joy". The adult also participates so that the conversation is not just a test for the child.

"Weather Inside"

Ask them to describe the mood by weather: sun, rain, fog, thunderstorm, wind, rainbow. Then you can ask, "What made your weather like this?" For younger children, a metaphor is often easier than a precise word.

"Where does emotion live?"

Draw a simple silhouette of a person. Ask them to show where they feel anxiety, anger or joy. There is no correct answer: one child feels fear in the stomach, the other in the chest or legs.

"How else can I say?"

For older children, it is useful to expand the shades: not only "bad", but "sad", "sad", "lonely", "anxious", "unfair", "disappointed". Not just "good", but "calm", "happy", "interesting", "proud", "relief".

How to talk about emotions at different ages

2–4 years

At this age, short words, pictures, facial expressions and specific situations work better.

Just say:

"You're happy because Dad came".

"You're sad because the bear is lost".

"Hero scared of loud sound".

Don't expect long explanations. The child can show an emotion with a face, choose a picture or just repeat a word.

5-7 years old

The child can already notice the cause and change of feelings.

Ask:

"At first the hero was angry. What did he feel after his friend helped him?"

"Can you be both happy and worried?"

"How do you know someone is offended, even if they are silent?"

At this age it is especially interesting to compare similar states: fear and anxiety, sadness and shame, joy and pride.

8-10 years old

Older children are able to talk about more complex mixed feelings and see that two people can experience one event differently.

You can discuss:

"Why could a hero be angry and sad at the same time?"

"How would this situation look like through the eyes of another character?"

"What would have changed if the character had spoken out about his feelings earlier?"

It's important not to replace conversation with adult morality. If the child sees the story differently, ask her to explain her view.

Phrases that help children talk about feelings

"I'm nearby".

"You may not know the exact word."

"Maybe we can try to choose between the two: you're more angry or upset?"

"I see you're not doing well now."

"Do you want to talk now or a little later?"

"Your feelings are important, even if we see the situation differently."

"I also sometimes find it hard to tell right away what I feel."

But phrases like "nothing bad", "don't cry", "good children don't get angry like that", "that's silly" can close the conversation. Even if the reason seems small to an adult, the child's feeling at that moment is real.

What to do if the child says "I don't know"

"I don't know" does not always mean unwillingness to speak. Sometimes a child really hasn't found a word yet.

Do not rush to demand an answer. You can help by offering a choice:

"Is it more like fear or anger?"

"Do you want to cry, hide or scream?"

"If this feeling were a color, which one would you choose?"

Or you can just leave the door open:

"All right. If you want, we'll come back to that later."

The ability to talk about emotions grows where the child is not afraid to make a mistake or get assessment for his answer.

Frequently asked questions of parents

Do you have to explain all the emotions at once?

No, no, no. Start with the ones that happen frequently in everyday life: joy, sadness, fear, anger, surprise, calm. Add new words gradually as the situation arises.

Should we ask about feelings after every story?

No, no, no. A fairy tale must first of all remain a story that is interesting to listen to. Sometimes one question is enough, sometimes you don't need any. The main thing is that the child does not wait after each reading "check of understanding".

What to do if a child calls all unpleasant emotions the word "angry"?

Don't correct it too sharply. Suggest alternatives: "Maybe you're not only angry, but also upset because it didn't work out?" Over time, the dictionary will become more accurate.

Can adults tell children about their own emotions?

Yes, if you do it without putting the responsibility for the adult's condition on the child. The phrase "I'm upset because I'm late for a meeting, so I want to rest for a few minutes" shows a healthy example. But the demand "you brought me to this state" makes the child responsible for the emotions of an adult.

Do fairy tales help develop emotional intelligence?

Tales can be a convenient material for conversation: they have heroes, events, conflicts, choices and consequences. A child can learn to notice the characters' feelings and see different ways of reacting. But the mere existence of a tale does not automatically make a conversation useful. The most important thing is calm contact with an adult and the opportunity to express one's own opinion.

The Keys to Remember

Teaching a child to understand their emotions is not teaching them to always be calm.

It is to help her gradually notice: "something is happening to me", find a word for it and choose a safer way of acting.

Call your feelings without labels. Acknowledge emotion, but keep the limits of behavior. Tell about your own states in simple words. Use games and stories as a reason for live conversation, not as a test.

Take your time. An emotional vocabulary grows just like any other vocabulary: word by word, experience by experience.