How to Help Your Child Develop Empathy

When a child sees that someone is upset, he does not always immediately know what to do. One kid will bring a toy, the second will get confused, the third will start laughing from the tension, and the fourth will just continue his game. This does not mean that some of them are "good" and some are "indifferent". The ability to notice the feelings of another person, understand them and respond with care is formed gradually.

This is what we often call empathy. It does not need to be taught to the child as a separate lesson. She grows up in normal family situations: when an adult listens carefully, names feelings, respects boundaries, helps after a conflict and, together with the child, reflects on the actions of the heroes of the fairy tale.

What is empathy in simple words

Empathy is the ability to notice and partially understand what another person may be feeling, and to take these feelings into account in one's own behavior.

For a child, it can look very simple:

• to see that a friend is sad;

• to guess that the sister is in pain after the fall;

• notice that the new child in the group is worried;

• think about how the hero who was offended feels;

• offer help, but do not impose it.

Empathy does not mean that the child must always give in, give up their belongings, or agree with others. You can understand other people's feelings and at the same time have your own boundaries. For example: “I see that you really want my car, but I'm still playing. I'll give it to you when I'm done."

How empathy develops in children

Social-emotional skills develop gradually. Children learn to recognize feelings by observing and interacting with adults. At first, it is easier for the baby to notice obvious signals: someone is crying, laughing, angry. With age, it becomes easier to consider the causes of feelings and to understand that another person may feel differently than he himself.

Therefore, expectations should be age-appropriate. It can be difficult for a three-year-old child to stop his own play and immediately think of how to comfort someone. A six-year-old can often explain why the hero is offended. The older child gradually learns to see the situation from several sides.

The most useful thing here is not to demand the "correct" reaction, but to give the child many small opportunities to notice, name, ask and help.

How to develop empathy in a child every day

Show empathy by example

A child learns most not from our explanations, but from how we behave.

When she is upset, instead of "it's okay" you can say: "You really wanted to stay on the playground and were upset that it was time to go." When another family member is tired: “Dad is tired today. Let's give him a few minutes to rest."

This is how the child sees: feelings can be noticed, they can be talked about, and they do not make a person "capricious" or "bad".

Help notice the feelings of others

In everyday situations, gently pay attention to non-verbal cues:

"Look at her face. Do you think she is happy or worried now?'

"He withdrew and is silent. Maybe he is uncomfortable. How can you check?"

The important word here is "maybe". We cannot accurately know other people's feelings just by their facial expressions. Therefore, it is useful to teach not to guess for the person, but to ask: "Are you upset?", "Do you need help?".

Ask questions instead of ready-made morals

The phrase "you see, it's bad to do that" closes the conversation. The question opens it.

Try:

• "How do you think he felt?"

• "What was the most difficult thing for her in this situation?"

• "How would you like to be treated in her place?"

• "What can be done now to make it a little better?"

It is not necessary to wait for the "correct" answer. Sometimes a child will say something completely different from what an adult expects. This is an opportunity to hear her logic, and not a reason to immediately correct.

Don't confuse empathy with forced politeness

"Apologise immediately", "give him a hug", "give him the toy because he is crying" can teach an external ritual, but do not necessarily help to understand someone else's state.

After a conflict, it is better to calm down first, and then return to the situation:

“You both got angry. When you pushed Mark, it hurt. What can we do to fix the situation?”

There may be several options: say something, help pick up spilled things, bring water, give the person space. An apology makes more sense when the child understands what happened.

Similarly, you should not force a child to hug someone for reconciliation. Respect for one's own and others' boundaries is also part of a caring attitude.

Use role-playing games

Role-playing allows you to practice a complex situation without real conflict.

You can act out a scene with toys:

"The bear came to a new group and does not know anyone. What can he feel? What can the bunny say to make him feel better?

Or:

"The fox does not want to share pencils. The hedgehog was upset. Should the fox give everything away at once? How can they agree?”

Such plots help to see that empathy is not limited to one right action.

Involve the child in small manifestations of care

The best empathy is anchored in real actions that the child is capable of.

Suggest together:

• draw a card for a sick grandmother;

• help a younger child assemble a constructor;

• provide water for the pet;

• ask a friend if he needs help;

• choose an item for charitable donation, if the family practices this.

It is important not to turn a good deed into a performance: "Look, everyone, how well done you are." It is better to pay attention to the meaning: "You noticed that she was having a hard time and offered help."

How to develop empathy through fairy tales

A fairy tale is convenient because it gives a safe distance. The child does not need to talk about his own conflict right away. You can discuss a hero who made a mistake, got scared, offended someone, was left alone or got help.

When reading, do not interrupt the story after each paragraph. First, let the fairy tale remain a fairy tale. After finishing, one or two live questions are enough.

For example:

"Who did you feel sorry for the most? Why?"

"Who in this story noticed that the other person needed help?"

"Was the hero good if he only helped because he wanted a reward?"

"How could you do otherwise?"

Stories where the characters are not divided into ideal "good" and "bad" are especially useful. When the hero makes a mistake, changes his mind, regrets or tries to correct the act, the child sees a more complex and realistic picture of human relationships.

Questions after the fairy tale that help empathize with the characters

You don't need to ask all the questions at once. Choose one that fits the story:

• What do you think the hero felt at the beginning?

• When did his feelings change?

• Who understood it and who did not?

• What told you that the character was scared or upset?

• Who needed help in this fairy tale?

• What help was really helpful?

• Is it possible to want to help, but fail to do so?

• What could the hero ask before acting?

• How would the story change if someone noticed the other's feelings earlier?

If the child does not want to discuss, do not insist. Sometimes the story works quietly, without an afterword.

Age guidelines

3-4 years

At this age, short, specific phrases and simple emotions work best:

"The bunny is crying. Do you think he is sad or scared?"

"The doll fell. What can we do?'

Story games, pictures with emotions, caring for toys and simple fairy tales with a visible reason for the hero's experiences are well suited.

5-7 years old

The child can already discuss causes and consequences:

"Why was the hero offended, although the other did not want to offend him?"

"Can you be angry with a friend and love him at the same time?"

You can play out alternative endings, change the roles of the characters and think about how to negotiate after an argument.

8-10 years old

Ambiguous situations become more interesting:

"Who was right here?"

"Is help always useful if it is not asked for?"

"Why can two people experience the same event differently?"

At this age, fairy tales and stories can be used to talk about friendship, justice, peer pressure, responsibility and being able to see the consequences of one's words.

What is better not to do

Don't call a child "heartless" or "selfish" because of one reaction. Behavior at a particular moment may depend on tiredness, shame, excitement, strong excitement or simply on the fact that the child does not yet know how to respond.

Don't force a public display of sympathy. "Go sorry" does not always help to understand other people's feelings.

Don't demand to share everything. Empathy does not cancel the right to own things and boundaries.

Do not use the other's feelings as a tool of guilt: "Grandma is upset because of you." It is better to describe a specific situation without imposing responsibility for someone else's emotional state.

Do not turn every fairy tale into an educational test. If after each story the child hears "so what does this tale teach us?", reading quickly becomes like a test.

Frequently asked questions of parents

Can you teach a child empathy?

Empathy develops along with social-emotional skills. Adults can support this development by modeling caring, helping to name feelings, discussing life situations, reading stories, and giving the child the opportunity to practice caring without coercion.

What to do if a child laughs when someone has fallen or cried?

Do not rush to draw conclusions about character. Calmly take note of what happened: “He fell and it looks like he's in pain. Let's see if we need help." For some children, laughter may be a reaction to discomfort or intense excitement. It is more important to show the next step than to shame.

Does a child have to share to be empathic?

No. A child can understand the desire of another and at the same time not want to give his thing. You can teach to negotiate: take turns playing, offer another toy, or say when it will be ready to share.

Do fairy tales help develop empathy?

Fairy tales create many reasons to talk about the motives, feelings and consequences of the characters' actions. It is especially useful not to read the moral instead of the child, but to ask what she noticed herself. Thus, the story becomes a space for conversation, not a lecture.

How does empathy differ from kindness?

Empathy is the ability to notice and try to understand the state of another. Kindness is a broader concept that manifests itself in attitude and actions. A person can empathize, but not know how to help; or to do a good deed without a very deep understanding of other people's experiences. In everyday life, these qualities often support each other.

A little practice for a week

In order not to turn the development of empathy into another "class program", you can simply add one small habit: once a day, notice someone's feelings together without judging them.

On Monday, it can be the hero of the book. On Tuesday - a person in a cartoon. On Wednesday - someone from the family. On Thursday, the child's own situation. And then ask just two things: "What do you think he felt?" and "How can we verify or support this?".

In this way, the child gradually learns not only to see the emotion, but also to leave room for another person - with his feelings, view and boundaries.