How to Help Your Child Develop Self-Regulation

"Calm down" is one of the shortest parental phrases and at the same time one of the most difficult children's tasks.

A child may know perfectly well that he is angry, but still throw the toy. She can understand that she is upset, but not be able to stop crying at will. She may want to "not shout", but in a moment of great disappointment, she seems to lose access to all the beautiful words that she repeated yesterday in a calm game.

This is not surprising. Self-regulation in children develops gradually. The child needs not only to recognize the emotion, but also to notice that the tension is increasing, endure a pause, remember an available method of calming down, use it, and only then solve the problem.

Therefore, the task of an adult is not to demand instant self-control, but to help walk this path together many times. Over time, the child will increasingly be able to do part of what two people did at first.

What is self-regulation in simple words

Self-regulation is the ability to notice one's own state and gradually manage attention, behavior, and reactions to cope with a situation without harming oneself or others.

For a child, this does not mean "never get angry" or "never cry." Self-regulation can look like this:

- I got angry and left the game before I hit;

- I got upset and asked my mother to be by my side;

- I really want to be the first, but I can wait in line;

- I get nervous before a performance and take a few slow breaths;

- I cannot speak calmly now and I ask for a pause;

- I noticed that I was tired and wanted some quiet;

- I had an argument with a friend, calmed down, and then returned to the conversation.

An important difference: regulating an emotion does not mean suppressing it. Anger, fear, sadness, jealousy or disappointment do not need to be "turned off". The child learns to experience them so that the emotion does not control all subsequent actions.

First co-regulation, then self-regulation

A young child rarely learns to self-soothe just because an adult has explained a technique. First, she needs co-regulation — the support of a calmer adult who helps her through a strong condition.

It can be very simple:

- an adult speaks more slowly and quietly;

- stays nearby without reading the notation;

- describes the situation in short words;

- helps stop a dangerous action;

- offers one familiar method of reassurance;

- returns to talking about the problem after the tension has subsided.

Co-regulation does not mean that parents must always be completely calm. Adults also get tired, angry and overwhelmed. A useful example is not “Mom never gets angry” but “I'm really angry right now. I need a minute to speak more calmly."

The child sees an important sequence: an emotion appeared → I noticed it → I paused → I chose a safe action → I returned to the situation.

How to develop self-regulation in a child every day

Skills that are needed during a big storm are better trained outside of the storm itself. They grow the most in ordinary, repetitive situations.

Notice the early signs of overload

It is easier for a child to stop at the level of "I'm already stressed" than when he is already screaming and throwing things.

Help notice early body signals:

- fists are clenched;

- the voice becomes louder;

- want to run, push or throw;

- a "knot" in the stomach;

- shoulders tensed;

- the heart beats faster;

- you want to hide or cover your ears;

- it is difficult to listen to long phrases;

- everything is starting to get more annoying than a few minutes ago.

It is not necessary to turn it into a constant observation of a child with dandruff. Sometimes it is enough to say: “I see that you are already very stressed. Maybe we should take a break before it gets even harder?”

Create a short and clear pause

The word "calm down" does not explain what exactly to do. It is better to make the pause concrete.

For example:

"We are now stopping the game for two minutes. You can sit next to me or walk to the kitchen and back. Then we'll decide what to do with the machine."

Or:

"You are very angry. I will not let my brother be beaten. Let's leave until the body calms down a bit."

A break is not a punishment or an exile. Its purpose is not to "think about your behavior" when the child is not yet able to think calmly, but to give the nervous system time to pass from the peak of tension to a state in which it is already possible to speak.

Put together a "soothing menu" in several ways

One child is helped by movement, another by silence, a third by hugs, a fourth by water or slow breathing. There is no single technique that works equally well for everyone and in every situation.

Choose several options together in a quiet time:

- walk slowly around the room;

- stretch, sit down, shake hands;

- take a few slow breaths;

- squeeze and spread your palms strongly;

- wrap yourself in a blanket;

- hug if the child wants it;

- drink water;

- sit in a quiet place;

- listen to one familiar calm melody;

- hold a favorite soft toy;

- ask an adult to just be there.

It is better to have three familiar ways that the child actually uses than twenty beautiful cards that no one will remember at the right moment.

Practice skills in a quiet moment

During a strong emotional outburst, it is difficult for a child to learn a new algorithm. Therefore, it is more useful to practice breathing, the phrase "I need a break" or the stop game when no one is angry.

You can play:

"Stop - pause - choice." An adult names a fictional situation: "You were building a tower, and it fell." The child shows three steps: stop, perform one calming action, name the next safe step.

"Traffic light". Red - stop. Yellow - what does my body feel and what will help me? Green - what do I do next?

"Freeze - thaw". Everyone moves to the music, freezes during the pause, and then slowly "thaws". It's a simple game of shifting and braking.

The game does not guarantee that the child will immediately use the skill during a real fight. But a familiar route is easier to remember than a completely new instruction.

Let's have a small selection

When a child is overwhelmed, the abundance of options only adds to the chaos.

Instead of:

"What do you need to calm down?"

you can say:

"Do you want to sit next to me or take a little walk?"

"Shall we breathe like a bear or just keep quiet?"

"Do you want water or a hug first?"

A small choice brings back a sense of participation, but does not require a difficult decision at a time when thinking is harder.

Acknowledge the emotion and hold the line of behavior

Self-regulation does not grow from the rule "don't get angry". It grows where emotions are allowed and the boundaries of actions are clear.

"You can get angry. I will not allow to beat."

"You were very upset because of the loss. You can cry. You can't scatter other people's figures."

"You don't want to go home and you're angry. We're going anyway. I will help you through this moment.''

The child receives two supports at the same time: my feeling does not make me bad, but I am responsible for what I do with this feeling.

Show your own recovery example

Children learn a lot by watching what an adult does with their irritation.

You can show a small part of the process aloud:

"I'm angry now because we're running late. I will exhale slowly and say it again without shouting."

"I'm tired and I'm starting to speak harshly. I need a moment of water and silence."

"I'm calmer now. Now we can decide."

It does not transfer adult emotions to the child. On the contrary, it shows that a strong state can be noticed and regulated without shame.

Take care of predictability and transitions

Self-regulation is especially difficult when the child is hungry, tired, overwhelmed by noise or has to abruptly stop an interesting activity.

Not everything can be predicted, but some conflicts become milder if the child knows what will happen next.

"Five more minutes on the playground, then we're going home."

"After this series, we turn off the screen."

"First teeth, then a fairy tale, then a dream."

"Many people will be visiting today. If it gets noisy, we can go to a quieter room for a few minutes."

Predictability doesn't remove all strong emotions, but it does reduce the number of unexpected transitions a child has to contend with at the same time.

What to do when the emotion is at its peak

When a child screams, cries, throws himself on the floor, or does not listen to long explanations, this is not the best time for a lecture on self-control.

Try a simple sequence.

1. Take care of safety

Stop hitting, throwing dangerous objects, running into the road, or other risky behavior. The border can be short:

"I won't let you beat me."

"I'm going to remove this thing so no one gets hurt."

"I'm keeping you close because it's expensive."

2. Reduce the number of words

At the height of emotion, a long explanation is often lost. Instead of five reasons and three morals — one short phrase.

"You are very angry. I'm close."

"There is a pause now. Let's talk later."

"Let's calm down the body first."

3. Slow down your own pace

It is not necessary to speak in a whisper, but a slower voice, fewer movements and clear phrases can give the child external support.

If an adult is about to explode himself, it is better to honestly organize a short safe pause than to try to "co-regulate" through shouting.

4. Suggest one familiar method

Do not list the entire arsenal.

"Do you want to walk with me?"

"Let's take one long breath."

"Do you want a blanket or just a seat?"

If the child refuses the exercise, do not turn breathing into another demand, over which you will have to fight.

5. Analyze the situation after recovery

When the child can already hear and respond, then you can return to the problem:

“You got really angry when you lost. What was the most difficult?"

"Next time, what can be done before the pieces fly?"

"Which pause do you want to try?"

Thus, self-regulation becomes a skill, and not a punishment for the fact that the child has not yet mastered it.

Breathing exercises for children without turning them into an exam

Slow breathing can be one way to reduce tension, but it is often easier for young children to play with images and movement instead of counting seconds.

In the cards of breathing practices for children, UNICEF points out that until about the age of seven, many processes remain very "bodily", and exercises with a complex calculation of the duration of inhalation and exhalation can be uncomfortable. Therefore, simple game options are better for younger children.

For example:

"Smell the flower - cool the tea." Calm inhalation through the nose, longer soft exhalation through the mouth.

"Inflate the ball in your stomach." Place your palm on your stomach and feel it rise and fall a little.

"Blow a feather." Imagine a light feather and exhale as if you need to move it slowly, and not blow it away with a hurricane.

"Let's breathe together." The adult does not command, but exhales calmly and invites the child to join.

Breathing is just one tool. If a particular child during anger helps more to walk, stretch or be quiet, there is no need to force him to "breathe properly".

Does the child need a "corner of peace"

A quiet place can be useful as long as it doesn't turn into a new punishment name.

"Go into a corner until you learn to behave" is isolation.

“We have a place to go when you need a break. I can sit next to you” is a tool.

In such a place there may be:

- pillow or blanket;

- several books;

- soft toy;

- a bottle of water;

- a card with two or three familiar methods of calming;

- paper and pencils for a child who finds it easier to draw than to speak.

No need to buy a special set "for self-regulation". The main value of the corner is the supposed right to pause, not decor.

And it is important that the child can use it not only after "bad behavior". Otherwise, the place will quickly become a symbol of punishment.

How fairy tales help train self-regulation

A fairy tale provides what is missing during one's own strong emotion: distance.

It is easier for a child to notice the moment when the hero "boils" than to analyze himself in the middle of a real quarrel. In the plot, you can stop and watch:

- what happened before the strong reaction;

- what the hero felt in his body and behavior;

- did he have time to pause;

- who helped him;

- what other action could have been chosen;

- what happened after an impulsive decision;

- how the hero returned to the problem when he calmed down.

It is not necessary to look for a fairy tale with the sign "about self-regulation". Almost any story involving an obstacle, a fight, a fear, an expectation, or a disappointment provides material for such a conversation.

You can even play "fairytale pause". When the character is about to do something rash, stop the story and ask:

"If he had one minute before his next act, what would help him?"

A child can offer something fantastic: a magical cloak of calm, a huggable tree, or a dragon that breathes slow fire. This is not a problem. The fictional image can later be turned into a real signal: “Remember the dragon? Do you want to give him a long breath?”

Questions after the tale about strong emotions and choices

Don't ask all the questions at once. One or two are enough.

1. At what moment did the hero get the most angry, scared or upset?

2. How did you understand that?

3. What could his body feel at this moment?

4. What did the hero do immediately?

5. Did his action help or make the problem worse?

6. Where could he pause?

7. Who could help him calm down?

8. What other step could he choose?

9. Has his condition changed by the end of the story?

10. What "magical way of peace" would you give this hero?

Such questions do not seek "correct morality." They help to see the chain state → reaction → consequence → another possible choice.

Self-regulation at different ages

The age limits here are indicative. Children develop differently, and the ability to manage reactions depends not only on age, but also on fatigue, environment, stress and the specific situation.

2–4 years

At this age, the adult does most of the work together with the child.

More useful:

- name a simple state: "you are angry", "you are scared", "you are tired";

- physically stop a dangerous action without shame;

- offer one or two ways: hugs, movement, water, silence;

- warn about transitions;

- play short games "stop - go", "freeze";

- show self-regulation by your own example.

You should not expect that a three-year-old child during a big tantrum will independently remember a complex breathing technique and politely ask for five minutes to recover.

5-7 years old

The child can already participate more in choosing a strategy.

You can make a simple "my peace menu" together:

1. to move away;

2. take three slow breaths;

3. drink water;

4. say "I need a break";

5. come back and fix the problem.

At this age, it is convenient to discuss fairy-tale situations, come up with alternative solutions and notice early signals: "when I start to get really angry, my cheeks are hot and I want to scream."

8-10 years old

An older child can analyze his own patterns more:

- what most often overwhelms me;

- which signals appear first;

- that helps me;

- when it is better to walk away and when to talk;

- how to return to the conflict after a break;

- how to ask for space without being rude;

- how to restore a relationship after an impulsive reaction.

With older children, it is useful not only to offer ready-made techniques, but also to ask, "What of these really works for you?" Self-regulation becomes stronger when the child feels that he is not an object of control, but a participant in his own strategy.

Phrases that help in a difficult moment

Short words often work better than a long lecture.

To name a state:

- "I can see you are already having a hard time."

- "Looks like the tension is rising."

- "You got very angry."

- "You may not know the exact words now."

To keep the limit:

- "You can get angry. You can't beat."

- "I won't let it be thrown at people."

- "You can cry. I'm close."

- "We're going home anyway and I'm going to help you get through this."

To suggest a pause:

- "First, let's calm down the body, then we'll decide."

- "Do you want water or a walk?"

- "You can sit next to me without talking."

- "Tell me when you are ready to return to this subject."

To return to the situation:

- "What was the hardest part?"

- "At what point did you feel like you couldn't handle it anymore?"

- "What would have helped a little earlier?"

- "What can be fixed now?"

What is better not to do

Do not demand instant silence as evidence of self-control

A quiet child is not necessarily already calmed down. She may freeze, take offense or simply be afraid to continue.

Do not be ashamed of strong emotions

The phrases "you're already big", "what a tantrum", "normal children don't behave like this" add shame to a difficult situation.

Do not force to one technique

If the child hates to "breathe on command", look for another way. Self-regulation should not become another struggle for obedience.

Don't solve the problem before the child can listen

At the peak of emotion, the question "now explain why you did that" is often too early. First recovery, then conversation.

Do not take away all difficulties

If an adult instantly removes any frustration every time, the child gets fewer opportunities to practice recovery. In safe situations, you can be close to an unpleasant feeling without rushing to "fix" it.

Do not confuse self-regulation with unconditional obedience

A child who knows how to regulate himself can calmly disagree, say "no", ask for a break or explain his position. The goal is not to always be comfortable, but to be able to act more safely and consciously.

When to ask for additional support

All children sometimes lose control, especially when they are tired, hungry, sick, going through a change, or under a lot of stress.

But it is worth discussing the situation with a pediatrician or a child psychologist, if the reactions are strong:

- very often interfere with normal life at home, in kindergarten or school;

- regularly lead to injury to themselves or others;

- the child almost never manages to return to equilibrium even with the support of an adult;

- sharply increased after a frightening or traumatic event;

- are accompanied by long-term sleep problems, severe avoidance of usual activities, or other changes that worry the family.

Applying for support does not mean that the child is "badly educated". Sometimes a family just needs a more specific answer as to what exactly is behind the overload and what strategies will work for a particular child.

Frequently asked questions by parents

At what age should a child be able to self-soothe?

There is no one age after which a child suddenly gains complete self-control. Self-regulation is formed gradually during childhood. In preschool age, the support of an adult is especially important, and with age, the child can increasingly notice his condition, recall familiar strategies and use them independently.

Should the child be left alone to calm down?

Not necessarily. Some really need space, but another child calms down better when an adult stays quietly nearby. You can ask: "Do you want to be alone or do you want me to sit here?" If there is a risk of unsafe behavior, the adult remains responsible for safety.

What to do if breathing exercises are just annoying?

Do not insist. Suggest another physical way: walk, stretch, clasp hands, drink water, wrap yourself in a blanket, or simply sit in silence. Breathing is a tool, not a prerequisite for "correct" sedation.

Can you use a fairy tale when a child is angry?

At the height of anger, a new story may be superfluous. Stories are especially useful in quiet times when you can discuss what the characters did with fear, anger, anticipation, or disappointment. A familiar audio story can sometimes be part of a soothing ritual if it really helps a particular child.

Does self-regulation mean that the child will stop having tantrums?

No. Even adults sometimes react more sharply than they would like. The goal is not zero strong emotions, but a gradual increase in the number of moments when the child notices tension earlier, uses support or a familiar way, and returns to safe behavior more quickly.

Self-regulation does not grow from the command "calm down", but from practice

The ability to manage strong emotions does not appear after one correct conversation. It consists of hundreds of small repetitions.

The adult noticed that the child was overloaded. Helped to pause. Together we found a way to calm the body a little. Returned to the situation. The next time, the child himself remembered water. A few weeks later, she said: "I'm very angry now, I'm going to sit down."

These small moments are the development of self-regulation.

Fairy tales can become part of this process: it is convenient for them to see an emotion from the side, stop the plot before a hasty decision, come up with another step and name what helped the hero to return to equilibrium. But the main school of self-regulation still happens in living relationships - when a child repeatedly experiences a strong feeling next to an adult who helps to stay safe and gradually transfers more and more of this work to her.